oh, hey there sexy…

Despite having millions of dollars and a Spartan army of stylists at her disposal, Britney Spears has absolutely no idea how to dress herself. With her floppy ass tits and rat’s nest weave, I guess she really has no other choice. I mean, what is else is she gonna wear? Couture probably isn’t the best thing to wear when you’re in line at the drive-thru to get a fourthmeal or buying makeup at Wal-Mart.

kelly clarkson “looking her personal best”

Everybody in the damn world knows that alien technology was used to make that picture of Kelly Clarkson on the cover of the September 2009 issue of Self, but Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of the women’s health magazine, is defending her choice of using CGI. People reports:

“Yes. Of course we do retouching,” Danziger writes in a post on Self.com. “Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best.” Calling Clarkson “the picture of confidence,” Danzinger writes, “I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.”

Look, if you’re gonna devote a whole article to someone you want to portray as a victimized “normal woman”, it might be a good idea not to take her down 20 pants sizes for your cover. It just sends mixed signals to everyone involved. Just be honest. And by “honest”, I mean you should have tied one of those turkey legs you get at the fair and took a picture of her chasing it. Because, really, who are we kidding? She totally would have.

ummm….okay, thats not so bad…

Cameron Diaz and all the people who don’t find her irritating went for a walk together on the beach this morning, and even though she’s a fug annoying mess with bigger bumps on her face than her chest, she looks pretty good here. She’s in Hawaii in these pictures but I’m not sure what island. “Magic Flattering Picture Island” would be a good guess.

fergie sure is sexy…

Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, people still pretend that Fergie and her crocodile skin are sexy. And who knows, maybe she is, maybe this is like Dorian Gray, and in real life she’s amazing but her pictures age super fast and reflect her sins. I know that’s completely retarded but it makes at least as much sense as the notion that Fergie is attractive in any way.

lilo is disgusting…

Lindsay Lohan is in Paris right now, but police were called to her residence in Hollywood yesterday after her alarm went off. At first, the police thought there was a break in and the intruders destroyed the house. Notice I said “at first”, because as it turns out, her house is always like that. AP reports:

An alarm company notified police that someone tripped an alarm at the house around 3 p.m. in Hollywood. Police determined no one entered the home and nothing was stolen, but the mess inside the starlet’s home prompted officers to ask, “Is it normally like this, or did the intruders do it?” said Los Angeles police Officer Karen Rayner. Lohan was not at home at the time. A message left with Lohan’s publicist Leslie Sloane-Zelnik was not immediately returned Tuesday night.

Sorry if you were thinking Lindsay Lohan lived like Tony Stark with a robot butler or a staff of housekeepers from Ecuador who keep her house pristine and flawless, because if you did, you’re kinda dumb. Lindsay Lohan is a drunk whore who lives off cocaine and semen. At best, her house looks like the the fat guy’s house in Se7en. I wouldn’t have been surprised if this police report included dead cats under the couch and a poem written on the wall in blood.

so hungry, you are angry = hangry…

All of Kelly Clarkson’s songs are about how some guy is dumb for leaving her and how he’ll regret it for the rest of his life, so that’s probably what she was singing about at KISS FM’s Wango Tango this weekend. Another good guess? Waffles. Oh, and pie. Don’t forget pie.