everyone hates gwyneth paltrow…

Brace yourself for the shock of a lifetime, but new reports are claiming Gwyneth Paltrow is a stuck up pain in the ass. Oh I know right! Fox News says…

A source says some of the “Iron Man” team had secret hopes of her character being recast, or even killed in the movie, but are resigned to the likelihood that she is locked in as the character Pepper Potts.
Gwyneth did nothing to make friends with fellow superhero Scarlett Johansson.
“Gwyneth is not friendly to anyone, and tends to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. She wasn’t outright rude to Scarlett, she just didn’t ever speak to her. Gwyneth went out of her way to avoid Scarlett, and they had zero contact, at Gwyneth’s choosing.”
“Much of the crew didn’t mind hanging out with her husband, Chris, but if Gwyneth ever came around, they scattered! Chris is so chill and relaxed and she is just the opposite. Chris has been a crew favorite since the filming of the first movie.”

Paltrow is just jealous. Scarlett is better, hotter, younger, and in this movie that they’re both in, Gwyneth is a frumpy secretary, and Scarlett is a sexy super villain. Gwyneths only super power is the ability to make everyone wanna punch her in her stupid face.

gaga’s got balls…for real…

I would rather investigate gunfire from my childs bedroom than whether or not Lady GaGa has a penis, especially since this quote is at least a year old. But for whatever reason it’s been rediscovered and is everywhere today, so this is what she allegedly once said.

“It’s not something that I’m ashamed of, just isn’t something that I go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but I consider myself a female. It’s just a little bit of a penis and really doesn’t interfere much with my life. The reason I haven’t talked about it is that it’s not a big deal to me. Like come on, it’s not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I’m sexy, I’m hot. I have both a poon and a peener. Big fucking deal.”

I don’t know where this notion came from that I have some roster of noteworthy hermaphrodites, but I have no idea if she has a penis or not. The gif is from this video and everyone says you can see it there. People on her message board have talked about it, but finding a reputable source is tough. Especially since I barely even tried.

Lots of websites have posted it but sometimes the internet lies. Like once someone broke into my house and I was very frightened so I signed up for BigTitPatrol.com. The website claims they’re “enforcing the law with big natural tits”, but if you read the fine print you’ll discover these girls have no actual legal authority. This despite countless pictures that clearly show them sexily arresting people. The whole thing is very deceptive.

settle down, grandma…

In what might have been the greatest news of 1991, Sharon Stone has posed topless on the cover of the French magazine, Paris Match. Whatever. They might as well have had Wall * E or Frankenstein on the cover, because this picture was obviously made in a lab.

(Enjoy the banner pic of NSFW granny porn, you know, if you’re into that sort of thing. Pervert.)

To those complaining in their heads, you’re right. Her candids are super sexy. My apologies.

lohan going bald…

I know it’s hard to get better than a flat-assed, freckled drunk whore with a coke problem and a vagina like Ellis Island, but add premature baldness to that list, and oh baby! Will the sexiness ever stop?! Showbiz Spy reports:

After years of abusing various hair products — dyes & extensions, etc. — the Mean Girls actress’ scalp is starting to show. And that’s not all — Lohan usually leaves a trail of red hair wherever she goes! “Lindsay has done so much to her hair, it’s a wonder she hasn’t lost it all!” an insider told American tabloid the National Enquirer. “She overprocesses it and gets too many extensions, which often rip her real hair out. “You know Lindsay has been around when you see these long red hairs everywhere.”

I’m not McGruff the Crime Dog, but you really don’t have to be to tell there might be some differences in the banner picture taken last week and Lindsay’s spread in next month’s Elle. There’s some trickery here I tell, ya! Trickery!

size 2 is in hawaii…

Even though Jennifer Love Butter is a size 2, she’s always hiding her ass for some mysterious reason. Which is why, even though she spent the weekend in Hawaii with boyfriend Jamie Kennedy, these are the only pictures of her in a bikini. Kennedy went swimming, but she was busy “modeling”. Presumably for From The Neck Up Magazine because her other 95 percent is a complete mess.

Didn’t she used to have tits? No one part of her body matches any other. Skinny face, huge ass, thin legs. She’s just a bunch of different parts thrown together, like Frankenstein.

UPDATE:
I just found this new picture…from behind…

I think we can go ahead and assume the photoshoot she’s in hawaii for wasn’t sports related. I’ve seen a lot of ads for basketball, but I don’t think I’ve seen one end with a breathing treatment and a dozen cream filled.

anna-lynne mccord is smart…

Anna-Lynne McCord spent another day in a bikini yesterday in Malibu, prancing around and huddling together with her sister and a friend. This is going in the right direction. She looks terrific every single time, but she’s in a bikini so often that I’m getting desensitized to her innocent frolicking. These three better start pulling at each others tops and giggling immediately.

jessica simpson is a drunk…

There have been quiet rumors for a while now that Jessica Simpson has always been an undercover alcoholic, so of course one of the first few times she goes out after she got dumped she got completely shitfaced. But let’s not get carried away. A drunk Southern blonde chick with big tits is only a danger to herself. And my heart.

katy perry does one thing well…

Katy Perry’s face is reason enough to endorse Obama’s healthcare reform plan, but damn she has a fantastic rack. She can’t really sing, he music sucks, and she’s kinda goofy, but big tits can make up for a lot things. Especially during job interviews. You do want this job don’t you, sweetie?

melissa rycraft is different…

Melissa Rycraft was a little piece of ass on The Bachelor and the hottest one on that one dance show, but she was in Vegas last week and….ummm….uhhhh….what the hell happened? Her stomach is sick, but her tits look like birthday balloons five days after the party. And thanks for smiling sweetie, but could you chill a little bit with the teeth? I don’t know if I should ask for a blowjob or help with building a dam.

hey baby…

My girlfriend attended something called The Myspace / IGN Jennifer’s Body Party last night and, of course, she looked hot as hell. To be honest, I really don’t think there’s a scenario where I wouldn’t try to pound Megan Fox’s vagina into a fine powder. She could be under attack by bees or changing into a werewolf, and my penis would need a holster for how fast I would pull it out.

BTW, I’m usually not one to kiss and tell, but we totally did it last night. I’m only saying it, because a stupid photographer took the following picture after Megan climbed off me. Why can’t people just leave us alone?!