oh, hey there sexy…

Despite having millions of dollars and a Spartan army of stylists at her disposal, Britney Spears has absolutely no idea how to dress herself. With her floppy ass tits and rat’s nest weave, I guess she really has no other choice. I mean, what is else is she gonna wear? Couture probably isn’t the best thing to wear when you’re in line at the drive-thru to get a fourthmeal or buying makeup at Wal-Mart.

kelly clarkson “looking her personal best”

Everybody in the damn world knows that alien technology was used to make that picture of Kelly Clarkson on the cover of the September 2009 issue of Self, but Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of the women’s health magazine, is defending her choice of using CGI. People reports:

“Yes. Of course we do retouching,” Danziger writes in a post on Self.com. “Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best.” Calling Clarkson “the picture of confidence,” Danzinger writes, “I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.”

Look, if you’re gonna devote a whole article to someone you want to portray as a victimized “normal woman”, it might be a good idea not to take her down 20 pants sizes for your cover. It just sends mixed signals to everyone involved. Just be honest. And by “honest”, I mean you should have tied one of those turkey legs you get at the fair and took a picture of her chasing it. Because, really, who are we kidding? She totally would have.

gaga’s got balls…for real…

I would rather investigate gunfire from my childs bedroom than whether or not Lady GaGa has a penis, especially since this quote is at least a year old. But for whatever reason it’s been rediscovered and is everywhere today, so this is what she allegedly once said.

“It’s not something that I’m ashamed of, just isn’t something that I go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but I consider myself a female. It’s just a little bit of a penis and really doesn’t interfere much with my life. The reason I haven’t talked about it is that it’s not a big deal to me. Like come on, it’s not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I’m sexy, I’m hot. I have both a poon and a peener. Big fucking deal.”

I don’t know where this notion came from that I have some roster of noteworthy hermaphrodites, but I have no idea if she has a penis or not. The gif is from this video and everyone says you can see it there. People on her message board have talked about it, but finding a reputable source is tough. Especially since I barely even tried.

Lots of websites have posted it but sometimes the internet lies. Like once someone broke into my house and I was very frightened so I signed up for BigTitPatrol.com. The website claims they’re “enforcing the law with big natural tits”, but if you read the fine print you’ll discover these girls have no actual legal authority. This despite countless pictures that clearly show them sexily arresting people. The whole thing is very deceptive.

look tits…

Lady GaGa fell out of her top again during a concert this weekend. Luckily she has a good body, because from the neck up she couldn’t be any more of a monster unless she had frankenstein bolts on either side and a big zipper across her hairline.

sarah jessica parker is…cough…sexy…

The magic of television will have you believe that all the single 20-something men of Manhattan are lining up to bang this sinewy hag, but in reality, Sarah Jessica Parker looks like she should be giving a princess a poison apple. Jesus, this bitch is hideous. And why is she even exercising? The thing in the attic in Hellraiser looked more human than this bitch. Jesus, this bitch is hideous. Seriously. If she has a car, I fully expect it to be powered by the screams of small children.

seriously, what the hell?

I’m too lazy/indifferent to look it up, but … seriously. What the fuck? What’s the deal with the Kardashian sisters? Do they all have the same dad? There’s no way they all have the same dad. Why is that one so big? It’s like their mom got raped by Chewbacca. There’s no way this is normal. She might have gigantism. Or that thing Lincoln had. Marfans? Either way they need to get her to a hospital to have this looked at before she goes crazy, climbs a building and swats down planes. Our human military will be powerless to stop her, our earth weapons only make her angry.

A man named Zak thinks this beast is sexy. He likes big girls. That is all.

this isn’t a joke…

The Orginal He-Man Brooke Hogan released the cover art for his her new album yesterday, and yes, this really is what he she came up with. This. I appreciate the fact that they chose “female” for the neck down, but damn this shit looks like a prize you’d win at a balloon dart throw. I had an interview set up, but the guy who made this was unavailable for comment because he was airbrushing a picture of Tupac as Jesus at that stand outside Lids.

chris brown isn’t a monster

In one of his first public statements since choking out Rihanna because she wanted to know who he was texting, Chris Brown put out this video the other day to tell everybody about his new album that’s coming out. Oh, and towards the end, he manages to call everybody a hater and claims that he isn’t a monster. The more I think about it, he’s probably right. There’s no way a monster would do what he did. Monsters do things like play with little boys in wolf costumes or try to send Boo back through her door.

kelly clarkson is obligated to be fat…

I like how “curvy” really means fat now, and speaking of fat, according to fitness expert Joe Catalano, Kelly Clarkson is 165 pounds. 35 pounds overweight. So, what does Kelly plan to do about it? I’m not sure, but I think it includes bacon. Star Magazine reports:

…Kelly’s always favored a piece of cheesecake over perfection. “I’ve always been thicker,” she’s said. “I don’t believe in dieting.” And even now, says a friend, “She’s happy where she’s at. She doesn’t think being thin should be a big priority in her life.” Plus, she wants to continue to be a good role model for her more voluptuous fans. “She gets tons of fan letters telling her to stay curvy,” the source says. “The last thing she wants to do is betray those young women who look up to her by going on a crash diet.” But even though she’s just fine with being on the fuller side, Kelly’s starting to consider making a change. “She’s nervous about her health,” a friend reveals. She knows she needs to do something about the extra weight.”

It’s unclear at this time exactly who looks up to Kelly Clarkson for her inspiring message of diabetes and congestive heart failure, so let’s all agree Kelly Clarkson shouldn’t be a role model for anything involving the word “weight”. The only people that should have pictures of Kelly Clarkson taped to their refirigerator are Snuffleupagus and that chick who got taken to the hospital on a flatbed truck.

fergie sure is sexy…

Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, people still pretend that Fergie and her crocodile skin are sexy. And who knows, maybe she is, maybe this is like Dorian Gray, and in real life she’s amazing but her pictures age super fast and reflect her sins. I know that’s completely retarded but it makes at least as much sense as the notion that Fergie is attractive in any way.