lohan going bald…

I know it’s hard to get better than a flat-assed, freckled drunk whore with a coke problem and a vagina like Ellis Island, but add premature baldness to that list, and oh baby! Will the sexiness ever stop?! Showbiz Spy reports:

After years of abusing various hair products — dyes & extensions, etc. — the Mean Girls actress’ scalp is starting to show. And that’s not all — Lohan usually leaves a trail of red hair wherever she goes! “Lindsay has done so much to her hair, it’s a wonder she hasn’t lost it all!” an insider told American tabloid the National Enquirer. “She overprocesses it and gets too many extensions, which often rip her real hair out. “You know Lindsay has been around when you see these long red hairs everywhere.”

I’m not McGruff the Crime Dog, but you really don’t have to be to tell there might be some differences in the banner picture taken last week and Lindsay’s spread in next month’s Elle. There’s some trickery here I tell, ya! Trickery!

lindsay really is a bitch…

Remember when Johnny Depp tipped a waiter $4000 two weeks ago? Okay, well this is the exact opposite of that, mainly because Depp understands his good fortune in life and is grateful for it, whereas Lindsay Lohan is a spoiled whore. The Sun says…

LINDSAY LOHAN found herself locked out of SAMANTHA RONSON’S flat last night (and had to) call a locksmith after losing her keys.
The 23-year-old star walked around the entrance of the house as the locksmith started working on the door, watched by Lindsay’s pal Christy.
She then found an open window and exclaimed, “What the f***, the lock just came undone. You know what sir, we already got in, thanks. We just broke in. We just found a way in.”
She then refused to pay the man’s call out fee, claiming he was asking for $300.
“This guy… is asking me to pay him but he didn’t get me in, Christy did. Can you tell him? He didn’t even get me in,” she told a photographer outside her home.
“He’s trying to charge me $300. I’ve paid these guys before, $80, and now he wants money for trying to get me in, he didn’t do his job!”

Wow Lindsay really showed him. If you didn’t read that whole thing, here are the cliff notes: Lindsay called someone to do a job then decided she didn’t want to pay and told the guy to go fuck himself. His job, I should mention, is to defeat even the most complicated of locks and gain access to peoples homes, quickly and silently, often in the dead of night.

What could go wrong? Lindsay wins again!

the whore did it for money…

Remember Lindsay’s “birthday party” she had on Saturday? Turns out it really wasn’t her birthday, she’s just a whore who needed some money. Page Six reports:

LINDSAY Lohan’s 23rd birthday isn’t until tomorrow, but she’s already managed to profit off the day. According to sources, the troubled starlet was paid a cool $70,000 by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas to host an all-day “pre-celebration” at the hotel’s Wet Republic pool party last Saturday. At the event, which served as a promotion for her Sevyn Nine self-tanning mist, Lohan changed bathing suits five times before throwing on club gear and dancing to Michael Jackson songs for the rest of the night. But friends of Lohan say the event was less of a celebration and more of an urgent attempt to pull in some cash. “None of her really close friends were there,” said our insider, who noted that ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson was also missing from the festivities. “The only person who was even known was Brittny Gastineau.”

Hopefully one day I’ll be able to wake up and never have to post another Lindsay Lohan story because either her medicine can’t help her T-cell count anymore or her vagina will get it’s dream job of repopulating a distant planet. Either or. I can’t really afford to be picky right now.

lilo’s hard at work…

Since she has no friends, no money, no job, and no dignity, Lindsay Lohan had a birthday party for herself in Vegas at MGM this weekend. Boy, I bet that crowd was pumped. Nothing like going to Vegas to watch a bony coke whore with more dots on her freckled ass than a stack of dot matrix printer paper shuffling back and forth in her panties. I’m not even joking when I say I’d rather watch me being set on fire than watch Lindsay Lohan.

this is why i wake up in the morning…

Dr. Drew Pinsky, the host of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, is worried about Lindsay Lohan. From an interview with Parade:

“I’m convinced that she’ll get sober one day. But I’m afraid that between now and then, she may get a nearly mortal wound of some type. I’m really convinced that something horrible is going to have to happen to her before she really gets over it and embraces sobriety. She needs to give it up. And it’s going to be a while before she does. I have this image that she’s going to lose a limb or something before she does. And it scares me.”

I hope Dr. Drew is psychic, because I think a stubby little arm-stump would look so right on Lindsay, somehow. If I ever saw Lindsay the One-Armed Cokewhore on the street, I’d try to high five her so she’d feel bad about herself. Have you ever seen those awesome ironic amputee tattoos? Well, Lindsay wouldn’t get one, because she isn’t awesome. Look on the bright side though, Lindsay. Maybe Sam Ronson would take pity on you and take you back. Doesn’t Sam look sickly all the time? Like an extra in the Thriller video.

everyone hates lindsay…

I realize that banner picture of Lindsay is a few weeks old, but when I checked literally 14 different sources, no one really had any new ones. I bet that’s a really good sign for her. So is this:

Lohan is in Paris talking to the House of Emanuel Ungaro about signing on as a “creative consultant” for the fashion line. But the current head designer “…is threatening to leave the company if they bring Lindsay on as a consultant,” said a fashion insider.
According to our source, “Ungaro thinks Lindsay is going to bring the company new energy and new buzz, but she is going to be the nail in the coffin. Nobody will take them seriously ever again.”

Are we doing 2007 over again or is this guy a complete retard. “Energy” and “Buzz” must be code for “Cocaine” and “Pandemonium” because that’s the only thing Lindsay will bring to the company. Not to mention that she’s an idiot. At best her designs would consist of bringing in a magazine and pointing. Then say, “I was thinking something like this, but, ya know, like…” and then she’ll snap her fingers a few times and rock her head side to side. “Like that ya know?”

lilo is disgusting…

Lindsay Lohan is in Paris right now, but police were called to her residence in Hollywood yesterday after her alarm went off. At first, the police thought there was a break in and the intruders destroyed the house. Notice I said “at first”, because as it turns out, her house is always like that. AP reports:

An alarm company notified police that someone tripped an alarm at the house around 3 p.m. in Hollywood. Police determined no one entered the home and nothing was stolen, but the mess inside the starlet’s home prompted officers to ask, “Is it normally like this, or did the intruders do it?” said Los Angeles police Officer Karen Rayner. Lohan was not at home at the time. A message left with Lohan’s publicist Leslie Sloane-Zelnik was not immediately returned Tuesday night.

Sorry if you were thinking Lindsay Lohan lived like Tony Stark with a robot butler or a staff of housekeepers from Ecuador who keep her house pristine and flawless, because if you did, you’re kinda dumb. Lindsay Lohan is a drunk whore who lives off cocaine and semen. At best, her house looks like the the fat guy’s house in Se7en. I wouldn’t have been surprised if this police report included dead cats under the couch and a poem written on the wall in blood.

the resemblance is uncanny…

I realize that Lindsay Lohan desperately wants to believe that she looks like Marilyn Monroe, but the only thing they have in common is big tits and the hope that Lindsay will one day be found in her bedroom dead of an overdose by her live-in housekeeper, so I have no idea why photographers insist on shooting this skank as one of the hottest pieces of ass of the last 100 years. The Bert Stern shoot was only remotely tolerable because Lindsay got naked, so please stop trying to convince me that Lindsay Lohan looks like this bitch. To reiterate, it’s Lindsay Lohan. At this point, I’d rather dig up Marilyn Monroe and have sex with whatever’s left, because, if I can be honest, I’m almost positive the corpse would have a higher T-cell count.
FROM THE BERN STERN SHOOT:

lilo’s jailbait sister…

I’m pretty sure the authorities are gonna confiscate my laptop, and God help me for saying this, but Ali Lohan looks way hotter than Lindsay. But please keep in mind, the bar isn’t set real high. Comparing these two is like comparing shark attack photos.

PS She’s only 15. She isn’t going to age very well. That is all.

lindsay still in hawaii, still gross…

Not like you wanted them, but here’s more pictures of Lindsay Lohan in Hawaii. I would say something about how Adderall and cigarettes must not contain vitamins because her body looks fuckin gross, but I’m really more concerned how somebody could spend a week in a bikini in a tropical paradise and still look like something you’d find in a med school lab. I swear, the only way this pasty bitch could get a tan is if she stood on the surface of the sun or got in a fight with a fire-breathing dragon.