chris brown isn’t a monster

In one of his first public statements since choking out Rihanna because she wanted to know who he was texting, Chris Brown put out this video the other day to tell everybody about his new album that’s coming out. Oh, and towards the end, he manages to call everybody a hater and claims that he isn’t a monster. The more I think about it, he’s probably right. There’s no way a monster would do what he did. Monsters do things like play with little boys in wolf costumes or try to send Boo back through her door.

pitbull, more like the dog than we thought…

Pitbull should be a Secret Service agent or something because he’s pretty calm when shit goes down. At a recent show in Aspen, he brought a guy on stage, punched him in the face and then kicked him (around the 1:10 mark), but at no point did the song stop and he picked up right where he was supposed to. Granted this maybe wasn’t the most formidable of opponents. That dude may be the baddest son of a bitch in Aspen, but that’s like being the most controversial pastry chef. In Aspen, the “black part of town” is probably “that dudes house”. All the white people lock their car doors as soon as they see his mailbox.

everyone hates gwyneth paltrow…

Actors are without question the worst people on earth. Dumb, lazy, selfish, arrogant, ungrateful, and spoiled beyond belief. This post is about Gwyneth Paltrow. Try and guess if it’s good. The Sun UK says…

The claws are out on the set of Iron Man 2 with stars SCARLETT JOHANSSON and GWYNETH PALTROW going head to head.
Gwynny reckons her on-set rival is hogging the limelight and now sparks are flying between the movie’s two female leads.
“Gwyneth has become very frustrated with Scarlett. They come from different worlds and have completely different styles.”

I do not know how directors do it. Different styles? The Hollywood Walk of Fame has 2 muppets and 3 dogs on it. Meaning Paltrow has the same job as puppets and dogs, and at least 5 of them are as good or better than she is at it. Sounds easy, right?

“Gwyneth has been left exhausted by the politics and a series of strenuous scenes and and is now taking a two-week break from filming.”
Hubby CHRIS MARTIN has lavished her with love and supported her at a dinner with friends in LA.

Please remember that Gwyneth plays a secretary in this movie, and the movie is not called The Secretary Who Climbed a Mountain and Wrestled Bears. It’s Iron Man 2. Her role is to wear glasses that (*SPOILER ALERT*) are actually just clear glass and not prescription and bring in pretend cups of coffee. You can see now why she’s “exhausted”. If she has to read from an imaginary BlackBerry she might literally die.

lilo is disgusting…

Lindsay Lohan is in Paris right now, but police were called to her residence in Hollywood yesterday after her alarm went off. At first, the police thought there was a break in and the intruders destroyed the house. Notice I said “at first”, because as it turns out, her house is always like that. AP reports:

An alarm company notified police that someone tripped an alarm at the house around 3 p.m. in Hollywood. Police determined no one entered the home and nothing was stolen, but the mess inside the starlet’s home prompted officers to ask, “Is it normally like this, or did the intruders do it?” said Los Angeles police Officer Karen Rayner. Lohan was not at home at the time. A message left with Lohan’s publicist Leslie Sloane-Zelnik was not immediately returned Tuesday night.

Sorry if you were thinking Lindsay Lohan lived like Tony Stark with a robot butler or a staff of housekeepers from Ecuador who keep her house pristine and flawless, because if you did, you’re kinda dumb. Lindsay Lohan is a drunk whore who lives off cocaine and semen. At best, her house looks like the the fat guy’s house in Se7en. I wouldn’t have been surprised if this police report included dead cats under the couch and a poem written on the wall in blood.

more fun news for chris brown…

Rihanna has yet to comment publicly about the night her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown did this to her, but she has recorded a new single with Kanye and Lady GaGa (hear it on Kanyes website here or download it here), and if Brown has any illusions about Ri taking him back this should promptly put an end to that. Lyrics about buying flowers for his funeral don’t leave much room for interpretation.

You comin with those corny lines
Can’t live without me
I’ll get some flowers for the day that you are buried
No, people make mistakes
But I just think your ass is fake
Only thing I want from you, is for you to (stay away)

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around musical revenge. What is this, “West Side Story”? Are we gonna sing catchy songs about trouble or is Kanye gonna remember that he’s a rapper and shoot that punk in his his nuts. Remember in “A Mighty Wind” when that guy said, “There had been abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature”? This is that, yet in real life for some reason. Not so scary, is it?

kiefer is a pimp ass mofo and that other dude is a crybaby bitch…

Let me get this straight; Monday night, Jack McCollough got headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland. Pictures of him taken on Wednesday (pic below) showed a cut on his nose, maybe a quarter-inch long, but little other apparent damage. Yesterday it came out that Kiefers attorneys were attempting to agree on a number for a settlement, and now today McCollough looks like this, like someone pushed him out of a plane.

Um, really? Is that how it works? 5 days for the damage to sink in? What parallel universe is this dude from where time stands still. When did he say “ow” and fall down, Tuesday?

kiefer is a still a fun drunk, the other dude is a pussy…

I have a hard time accepting that a quarter-inch cut after a slight altercation requires police action, but apparently it does, because – according to a story broken by the Daily News – Kiefer Sutherland will surrender to prosecutors, maybe as early as today, to face a minor assault charge for head-butting designer Jack McCollough Monday night in New York City.

Sutherland will be charged with third-degree assault (and) issued a desk appearance ticket for the misdemeanor – meaning he won’t be jailed and will be free to travel before he’s arraigned.
A friend (says) Sutherland felt bad about the bizarre display.
“Kiefer is sorry it happened. Absolutely. It’s terribly regrettable,” the friend said.
Still, they insisted Sutherland lashed out because McCollough bumped into actress Brooke Shields and didn’t apologize.
Sutherland’s lawyers are expected to work out a cash settlement with McCollough.

Jesus Christ, really? How about instead of Kiefer surrendering to the police, McCollough surrender to a karate class and learn how to fight. Kiefer barely touched him. I’ve done worse things than this to people I like. If a quarter inch cut = third degree assault, I don’t even wanna know what staple-gunning a dudes nuts would be considered. Treason?

kiefer is a happy drunk

It what may be the weirdest thing you read all day, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted and broke the nose of a fashion designer at the Metropolitan Museum gala after-party last night after the designer allegedly…wait for it…knocked Brooke Shields down. TMZ reports:

It happened at an after-party for the Met costume gala last night. We’re told witnesses say the alleged victim — Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough — allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCollough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt. A police report was taken and the incident is under investigation.

However, Brooke Shields has another recollection of the incident. It didn’t happen.

Shields’ reps tell TMZ the man Kiefer headbutted last night in no way did anything to Brooke that would have warranted the alleged attack…Brooke’s rep say “nothing happened to her,” adding “Jack did nothing inappropriate. It’s not clear what caused Keifer to do what he did.”…Brooke’s reps tell us Jack, who designs clothes for Brooke, “did absolutely nothing to her.” But here’s where the plot thickens. We asked the rep, “Did Jack touch her?” Their response — “We don’t know.”

Kiefer Sutherland is a legendary drunk lunatic (he is currently on probation for DUI), so there’s no way he was sober for this. Especially since it seems like he went through a lot of work to make a gay dude cry. He didn’t need to resort to violence. If Kiefer wanted to make this designer cry, all he had to do was tell him that somebody in ABBA died.