kelly clarkson “looking her personal best”

Everybody in the damn world knows that alien technology was used to make that picture of Kelly Clarkson on the cover of the September 2009 issue of Self, but Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of the women’s health magazine, is defending her choice of using CGI. People reports:

“Yes. Of course we do retouching,” Danziger writes in a post on Self.com. “Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best.” Calling Clarkson “the picture of confidence,” Danzinger writes, “I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.”

Look, if you’re gonna devote a whole article to someone you want to portray as a victimized “normal woman”, it might be a good idea not to take her down 20 pants sizes for your cover. It just sends mixed signals to everyone involved. Just be honest. And by “honest”, I mean you should have tied one of those turkey legs you get at the fair and took a picture of her chasing it. Because, really, who are we kidding? She totally would have.

my life would suck without food…

If you have any paper or wood products near your monitor, be sure you move them back to a safe distance before you check out this picture, or else they may burst into flames from all the hotness.

Hahaha I’m hilarious.

just plain gross…

I don’t even wanna think about this so let’s just get to it. Extra and IMDb say…

Kirstie Alley has a thing for a leading Hollywood man: “I want a booty call with Jamie Foxx — for real,” Alley dished to People magazine. “I’ve always had a bit of thing for him” … Foxx admits Alley does meet his criteria of ideal women. He says, “I do like them thick (big)… (and) she is thick.”

Unless I could come back from the dead like Jesus I wouldn’t F this tub of shit even on a dare because I would very definitely kill myself from the shame afterwards. Brace yourself for the shock of a lifetime because the very first place I checked (fame images) had pictures of her going to a restaurant. Although in this pic below it appears she’s been locked out, no doubt justifiably. They also had pictures of her in her private zoo.

Kirstie has a variety of pets ranging from dogs, lemurs, and even sugar gliders.

I don’t know what the hell a sugar glider is but we both know Kirstie thought that was some kind of cookie when she ordered it. And she ate the first 15 just to make sure. Also I don’t think it’s called a “zoo” when someone this fat has one. I think it’s just called “the pantry”.

kelly clarkson is obligated to be fat…

I like how “curvy” really means fat now, and speaking of fat, according to fitness expert Joe Catalano, Kelly Clarkson is 165 pounds. 35 pounds overweight. So, what does Kelly plan to do about it? I’m not sure, but I think it includes bacon. Star Magazine reports:

…Kelly’s always favored a piece of cheesecake over perfection. “I’ve always been thicker,” she’s said. “I don’t believe in dieting.” And even now, says a friend, “She’s happy where she’s at. She doesn’t think being thin should be a big priority in her life.” Plus, she wants to continue to be a good role model for her more voluptuous fans. “She gets tons of fan letters telling her to stay curvy,” the source says. “The last thing she wants to do is betray those young women who look up to her by going on a crash diet.” But even though she’s just fine with being on the fuller side, Kelly’s starting to consider making a change. “She’s nervous about her health,” a friend reveals. She knows she needs to do something about the extra weight.”

It’s unclear at this time exactly who looks up to Kelly Clarkson for her inspiring message of diabetes and congestive heart failure, so let’s all agree Kelly Clarkson shouldn’t be a role model for anything involving the word “weight”. The only people that should have pictures of Kelly Clarkson taped to their refirigerator are Snuffleupagus and that chick who got taken to the hospital on a flatbed truck.

me mariah, me hungry…

Mariah Carey has the same two dresses in 1500 colors, and today she wore Dress 2 (Dress 1 is the one with the slit all the way up the leg) in France at the Cannes Film Festival, and for her sake she better have someone who can tell her to never do this again. Mariah is 40 pounds overweight and built like she’s filled with sand, so when all that gets shoved into a snakeskin dress five sizes too small it looks like a python is eating a gorilla. I can’t imagine that’s what she wanted.

watch out kate moss…

I guess when your two older sisters are a billion times hotter than you in every possible way because you’re a giant who takes estrogen shots to fight the effects of your heterogametic condition, you probably lay up nights thinking of ways to overcompensate. Like Khloe Kardashian did when she posted pictures of her dressed up like a mermaid on her Twitter yesterday. I know she thinks these are supposed to be sexy, but she looks like something Aquaman would fight. I swear, if this came out of the water after me, I’d be fumbling with my harpoon like people in horror movies do with their keys when they’re trying to unlock a door, because it would be obvious that she was trying to eat me.

jessica simpson should thank kelly clarkson…

Jessica Simpson performed at Sea World this weekend in between stops at a Dollar Tree grand opening and the third stage at a street fair, and for some reason she thought it would be a good idea to squeeze her thighs into some Daisy Dukes. I guess the CGI Vanity Fair cover gave her a new found sense of confidence, but she should really be thanking Kelly Clarkson. Because, in reality, this may be the first time my penis would willingly blast Jessica’s face like a Jackson Pollock if I had to choose between those two. But Jessica shouldn’t get too excited, I’d rather go down on a manatee than see Kelly Clarkson take off her rebar-lined Spanx.

CONCLUSION: Jessica Simpson shouldn’t be daring people to call her fat when she’s very clearly fat. I’m sure if someone made me some Daisy Dukes with an elastic waistband I could fit into them too, that doesn’t mean I should or that anyone would think for one instant that I even vaguely resembled Daisy Duke.

so hungry, you are angry = hangry…

All of Kelly Clarkson’s songs are about how some guy is dumb for leaving her and how he’ll regret it for the rest of his life, so that’s probably what she was singing about at KISS FM’s Wango Tango this weekend. Another good guess? Waffles. Oh, and pie. Don’t forget pie.

when hicks look good…

I have no idea what alien technology they pulled from a UFO crash site to make this camera that was used for Jessica Simpson’s photoshoot in June’s Vanity Fair, but…um, wow. Please keep in mind that two months ago Jessica Simpson looked like this.

I’m not quite sure about the science on this, but I’m almost positive that people don’t change this much in two months unless they teleported with a fly or got exposed to gamma radiation.