seriously, what the hell?

I’m too lazy/indifferent to look it up, but … seriously. What the fuck? What’s the deal with the Kardashian sisters? Do they all have the same dad? There’s no way they all have the same dad. Why is that one so big? It’s like their mom got raped by Chewbacca. There’s no way this is normal. She might have gigantism. Or that thing Lincoln had. Marfans? Either way they need to get her to a hospital to have this looked at before she goes crazy, climbs a building and swats down planes. Our human military will be powerless to stop her, our earth weapons only make her angry.

A man named Zak thinks this beast is sexy. He likes big girls. That is all.

just plain gross…

I don’t even wanna think about this so let’s just get to it. Extra and IMDb say…

Kirstie Alley has a thing for a leading Hollywood man: “I want a booty call with Jamie Foxx — for real,” Alley dished to People magazine. “I’ve always had a bit of thing for him” … Foxx admits Alley does meet his criteria of ideal women. He says, “I do like them thick (big)… (and) she is thick.”

Unless I could come back from the dead like Jesus I wouldn’t F this tub of shit even on a dare because I would very definitely kill myself from the shame afterwards. Brace yourself for the shock of a lifetime because the very first place I checked (fame images) had pictures of her going to a restaurant. Although in this pic below it appears she’s been locked out, no doubt justifiably. They also had pictures of her in her private zoo.

Kirstie has a variety of pets ranging from dogs, lemurs, and even sugar gliders.

I don’t know what the hell a sugar glider is but we both know Kirstie thought that was some kind of cookie when she ordered it. And she ate the first 15 just to make sure. Also I don’t think it’s called a “zoo” when someone this fat has one. I think it’s just called “the pantry”.

kelly clarkson is obligated to be fat…

I like how “curvy” really means fat now, and speaking of fat, according to fitness expert Joe Catalano, Kelly Clarkson is 165 pounds. 35 pounds overweight. So, what does Kelly plan to do about it? I’m not sure, but I think it includes bacon. Star Magazine reports:

…Kelly’s always favored a piece of cheesecake over perfection. “I’ve always been thicker,” she’s said. “I don’t believe in dieting.” And even now, says a friend, “She’s happy where she’s at. She doesn’t think being thin should be a big priority in her life.” Plus, she wants to continue to be a good role model for her more voluptuous fans. “She gets tons of fan letters telling her to stay curvy,” the source says. “The last thing she wants to do is betray those young women who look up to her by going on a crash diet.” But even though she’s just fine with being on the fuller side, Kelly’s starting to consider making a change. “She’s nervous about her health,” a friend reveals. She knows she needs to do something about the extra weight.”

It’s unclear at this time exactly who looks up to Kelly Clarkson for her inspiring message of diabetes and congestive heart failure, so let’s all agree Kelly Clarkson shouldn’t be a role model for anything involving the word “weight”. The only people that should have pictures of Kelly Clarkson taped to their refirigerator are Snuffleupagus and that chick who got taken to the hospital on a flatbed truck.

me mariah, me hungry…

Mariah Carey has the same two dresses in 1500 colors, and today she wore Dress 2 (Dress 1 is the one with the slit all the way up the leg) in France at the Cannes Film Festival, and for her sake she better have someone who can tell her to never do this again. Mariah is 40 pounds overweight and built like she’s filled with sand, so when all that gets shoved into a snakeskin dress five sizes too small it looks like a python is eating a gorilla. I can’t imagine that’s what she wanted.

jessica simpson should thank kelly clarkson…

Jessica Simpson performed at Sea World this weekend in between stops at a Dollar Tree grand opening and the third stage at a street fair, and for some reason she thought it would be a good idea to squeeze her thighs into some Daisy Dukes. I guess the CGI Vanity Fair cover gave her a new found sense of confidence, but she should really be thanking Kelly Clarkson. Because, in reality, this may be the first time my penis would willingly blast Jessica’s face like a Jackson Pollock if I had to choose between those two. But Jessica shouldn’t get too excited, I’d rather go down on a manatee than see Kelly Clarkson take off her rebar-lined Spanx.

CONCLUSION: Jessica Simpson shouldn’t be daring people to call her fat when she’s very clearly fat. I’m sure if someone made me some Daisy Dukes with an elastic waistband I could fit into them too, that doesn’t mean I should or that anyone would think for one instant that I even vaguely resembled Daisy Duke.