Brace yourself for the shock of a lifetime, but new reports are claiming Gwyneth Paltrow is a stuck up pain in the ass. Oh I know right! Fox News says…
A source says some of the “Iron Man” team had secret hopes of her character being recast, or even killed in the movie, but are resigned to the likelihood that she is locked in as the character Pepper Potts.
Gwyneth did nothing to make friends with fellow superhero Scarlett Johansson.
“Gwyneth is not friendly to anyone, and tends to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. She wasn’t outright rude to Scarlett, she just didn’t ever speak to her. Gwyneth went out of her way to avoid Scarlett, and they had zero contact, at Gwyneth’s choosing.”
“Much of the crew didn’t mind hanging out with her husband, Chris, but if Gwyneth ever came around, they scattered! Chris is so chill and relaxed and she is just the opposite. Chris has been a crew favorite since the filming of the first movie.”
Paltrow is just jealous. Scarlett is better, hotter, younger, and in this movie that they’re both in, Gwyneth is a frumpy secretary, and Scarlett is a sexy super villain. Gwyneths only super power is the ability to make everyone wanna punch her in her stupid face.
Although Grey’s Anatomy made her a star, Katherine Heigl has routinely showed herself to be an insufferable bitch by publicly blasting the show’s writers and taking a salary dispute to the media after she felt she should be paid more than the show’s star. Shonda Rhimes, the ever accommodating creator and executive producer of the show, allowed Heigl time to make Knocked Up (a movie she also blasted) only for Heigl to try to get out of her contract because she thought she was a movie star. But like a true professional, Rhimes didn’t bite and welcomed Heigl back with open arms. So when Heigl went on Letterman on Monday night, of course she would do nothing but show humility and gratitude for all the people that keep her fug ass famous, right? Yeah, not so much. MSN reports:
Katherine Heigl appeared on “The Late Show with David Letterman” on Monday night, where the actress described her first day back on the “Grey’s Anatomy” set as “cruel and mean.” “Our first day back was Wednesday, and it was — I’m going to keep saying this because I hope it embarrasses them — a 17-hour day, which I think is cruel and mean,’ Katherine told Dave. The talk-show funnyman jokingly asked Katherine if she was given a lunch break during her 17-hour day, to which she joked back, saying: “Yes, we do get an hour lunch. That was nice. Thank God for that hour of lunch.”
I don’t know if she needs to date Chris Brown or what, but how many times does somebody have to spit in your face before you just realize it’s not worth it? An Eskimo or a wooden pelican could replace her on the show, but she’s happy to just complain to anyone who will listen about having to suffer the indignity of sitting in a makeup chair and an air conditioned, catered trailer all day. Wow, sorry you have to do your job, Katherine. I’m sure the crews on Alaskan King Crab boats or the guys who get trapped in coal mines can totally relate with your horrible work conditions. And by “totally relate” I mean “want to kick your fucking teeth in.”
Remember when Johnny Depp tipped a waiter $4000 two weeks ago? Okay, well this is the exact opposite of that, mainly because Depp understands his good fortune in life and is grateful for it, whereas Lindsay Lohan is a spoiled whore. The Sun says…
LINDSAY LOHAN found herself locked out of SAMANTHA RONSON’S flat last night (and had to) call a locksmith after losing her keys.
The 23-year-old star walked around the entrance of the house as the locksmith started working on the door, watched by Lindsay’s pal Christy.
She then found an open window and exclaimed, “What the f***, the lock just came undone. You know what sir, we already got in, thanks. We just broke in. We just found a way in.”
She then refused to pay the man’s call out fee, claiming he was asking for $300.
“This guy… is asking me to pay him but he didn’t get me in, Christy did. Can you tell him? He didn’t even get me in,” she told a photographer outside her home.
“He’s trying to charge me $300. I’ve paid these guys before, $80, and now he wants money for trying to get me in, he didn’t do his job!”
Wow Lindsay really showed him. If you didn’t read that whole thing, here are the cliff notes: Lindsay called someone to do a job then decided she didn’t want to pay and told the guy to go fuck himself. His job, I should mention, is to defeat even the most complicated of locks and gain access to peoples homes, quickly and silently, often in the dead of night.
The cover story for todays InTouch has another heartwarming Kate Gosselin story, this time with pictures of her smacking around Leah thankfully included. InTouch says…
Around 11 a.m. on June 13, a witness spotted Kate, 34, and the children playing outside of their Reading, Pa., home. When Leah, one of the sextuplets, started blowing a whistle loudly, Kate told her to stop because she was on the phone. But as soon as Leah blew on the whistle again, Kate “seemed to lose her temper” and said, “Did you not hear me?” Then she stormed over to her daughter, grabbed her and hit her. “The girl was screaming and crying,” the witness adds. “Kate just pushed her away and walked off with her coffee. Her older sisters were trying to make Leah feel better.”
That poor little girl. Those kids are cute so this bothers me. I probably wouldn’t care if they were ugly. I was never spanked much as a little kid, but my dad was a Marine Corps fighter pilot, including F8’s in Vietnam. F8’s, if you don’t know, did tons of low level bombings. Point being, my dad has killed many thousands of people, so when one of histories most prolific killers tells you to mow the lawn, a good idea is to slowly back away and then run to that god damn lawnmower as fast as your little legs will carry you.
I’m in a really weird mood today. It’s like I’m stoned but I’m mostly positive that I’m not. Just brace yourself for me to make even less sense than normal.
In 2004, when Jennifer Lopez made a guest appearance on Will and Grace, she brought 75 assistants, including an eyebrow specialist and someone whose job was to hold her coat. In 2005, Mariah Carey had her limo circle the block at 2:15am until her London hotel laid down a red carpet lined with white candles and rose pedals because she refused to walk on concrete. Neither one of them is the most annoying bitch in this story.
“Beyonce Knowles reportedly took a caravan of cars to transport herself and her entourage across the street.
The singer, who was staying at the Madarin Oriental hotel in Hyde Park (London), left to go shopping at the famed Harvey Nichols department store.
Which is about 45 feet from her hotel.
Instead of walking across the street, Beyonce took two vehicles full of bodyguards and personal assistants to drive down the road and make a U-turn in order to be dropped off in front of the store.
(She) was given a 20-minute guided tour around the department store (then) took the same route back to the hotel.”
In Beyonces defense, she confused “Harvey Nichols” with “Tim Hortons”. One is a department store, the other sells doughnuts. So she needed cars with as much room as there is in her stomachs. It’s also why the tour was only 20 minutes. She asked “where are the doughnuts” twice, then “no really where are the doughnuts”, then “what do you mean there’s no doughnuts”, then she slumped to the ground and cried. By then someone had gotten her doughnuts, and so there was really no point in sticking around any more.
If you we’re making an episode of the A-Team, and you needed to establish how evil your bad guy was, one way to show that would be to have them living it up in a big mansion while the town they rule is real poor. And they could walk the streets drinking delicious water in front of little kids on the verge of dehydration. This clip of Kate Gosselin is like that, except it’s real life, and instead of random Mexican kids, it’s her own god damn daughter.
Here we see Plus 8 chasing fireflies and playing kick the can. Oh wait no they’re in a television studio so Kate can use them as props while she does an interview. While they wait, Mady says she’s thirsty. Kate ignores her. Mady says it again. Kate asks for a bottle of water, then takes a sip herself, then puts it away. Mady is, at best, three inches away when this happens. Mady says, “You’re really really mean, you drank it right in front of my face.” And Kate says, “Be quiet.” Then, FOR THE SECOND GOD DAMN TIME, Kate pretends as if she’s going to give a sip of water to adorable little girl, but then doesn’t.
It’s…I can’t…even….she’s so cold, it feels like watching Ralph Fienes shoot that little kid in the back in Schindlers List. And he was a Nazi. Who ran a concentration camp. Even crocodiles provide for their kids, and they eat half of them.
Finally convinced that she’s a whore, Doug Reinhardt released a statement today about his break up with Paris Hilton. TMZ reports:
“Doug refuses to take part of this ridiculous media circus. He wishes Paris
and all of her future boyfriends the best of luck.” Guess he doesn’t think Ronaldo will be “The One?” And to add to it all, sources close to Doug told us, “Contrary to reports, Paris is begging him to take her back, she made a mistake and loves him 100%.”
Paris Hilton’s vagina is like Ellis Island, so of course she’s probably banging some other guy while I’m typing this. At least Doug Reinhardt seems pretty calm and nonchalant about this whole thing. Although I’m pretty sure that’ll all change when he can’t explain the green tentacles growing on his penis. Dude, you should probably get that looked at.
Dr. Drew Pinsky, the host of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, is worried about Lindsay Lohan. From an interview with Parade:
“I’m convinced that she’ll get sober one day. But I’m afraid that between now and then, she may get a nearly mortal wound of some type. I’m really convinced that something horrible is going to have to happen to her before she really gets over it and embraces sobriety. She needs to give it up. And it’s going to be a while before she does. I have this image that she’s going to lose a limb or something before she does. And it scares me.”
I hope Dr. Drew is psychic, because I think a stubby little arm-stump would look so right on Lindsay, somehow. If I ever saw Lindsay the One-Armed Cokewhore on the street, I’d try to high five her so she’d feel bad about herself. Have you ever seen those awesome ironic amputee tattoos? Well, Lindsay wouldn’t get one, because she isn’t awesome. Look on the bright side though, Lindsay. Maybe Sam Ronson would take pity on you and take you back. Doesn’t Sam look sickly all the time? Like an extra in the Thriller video.
Melissa Joan Hart was a celebrity according to wikipedia, and this weeks People magazine confirms it. She’s on the cover, and my sources tell me it’s because a horrifying photo (above) led the Sabrina star, 33, to take control. So she lost 42 LBS! This comeback is very important to Melissa, and no punkass cancer patient better get in her way.
(Melissa) was overheard off-camera at KTLA in Los Angeles on Friday saying how she’d been hoping last week that cancer-stricken Farrah Fawcett wouldn’t die — and thus bump Hart off the cover of People magazine.
It’s too bad that Farrah had to go and selfishly live, because if she died Melissa might be desperate enough to have done a “Weekend at Bernies” thing and stole her corpse and put some sunglasses on her and then driven around town in a convertible. She could force a broom through the bottom of her passenger seat and then push Farrah down on that to keep her upright like when you roast a turkey, then hook a stick to Farrahs hand so she could make her wave. Another good idea would be to have a tape that says, “Hi, good to see you too. Yes I feel great thank you for asking.” Then Melissa would need to drive away very fast because that may or may not be what the person asked.
Sacha Baron Cohen is being sued once again, this time by a woman named Richelle Olson who claims she was severely injured during an altercation with Cohen at a bingo hall during the filming of “Bruno”. She says she now needs a wheelchair or cane to move around as a result. MSNBC says…
According to the lawsuit, Baron Cohen started using vulgarities while calling the second bingo game in front of a mostly elderly audience.
A struggle ensued after Olson tried to grab the microphone away from Baron Cohen. She claims he then called his camera crew over, who attacked her for at least a minute, hoping to “create a dramatic emotional response.
Olson’s suit states she ran from the stage and was found moments later by a co-worker, sobbing uncontrollably. She then fell to the floor, hitting her head on a concrete slab.
Wait, what?
Olson’s suit states she ran from the stage and was found moments later by a co-worker, sobbing uncontrollably. She then fell to the floor, hitting her head on a concrete slab.
Wait. Seriously? So she fell down later. When Cohen was somewhere else. And she’s suing for that? What’s the window on that kind of thing because George Clooney held a door open for me in 2004 but the door kind of hit me a little and then last week I spilled hot coffee on my groin. Because I was driving, I could do little as my groin became very uncomfortable and the scalding hot liquid soaked through the groin area of my pants, all the way to my groin. Would I have done that if I hadn’t been attacked by Clooney? Is he above the law? That’s for a jury to decide.
