paulina rubio is kinda hot…

Paulina Rubio is back in Ibiza, Spain this week, and she must love it there because she was there this time last year too. I think she’s still a huge star in Latin America, but that’s really just a guess. I ran a search on her to find out for sure but it turns out she doesn’t exist. Possibly because I spelled her name “Rubino”. I was going to look her up with the correct spelling after that, but it was getting pretty late. I can’t be sitting her all day investigating whether or not certain Latin people exist, you know.

oh, hey there sexy…

Despite having millions of dollars and a Spartan army of stylists at her disposal, Britney Spears has absolutely no idea how to dress herself. With her floppy ass tits and rat’s nest weave, I guess she really has no other choice. I mean, what is else is she gonna wear? Couture probably isn’t the best thing to wear when you’re in line at the drive-thru to get a fourthmeal or buying makeup at Wal-Mart.

lohan going bald…

I know it’s hard to get better than a flat-assed, freckled drunk whore with a coke problem and a vagina like Ellis Island, but add premature baldness to that list, and oh baby! Will the sexiness ever stop?! Showbiz Spy reports:

After years of abusing various hair products — dyes & extensions, etc. — the Mean Girls actress’ scalp is starting to show. And that’s not all — Lohan usually leaves a trail of red hair wherever she goes! “Lindsay has done so much to her hair, it’s a wonder she hasn’t lost it all!” an insider told American tabloid the National Enquirer. “She overprocesses it and gets too many extensions, which often rip her real hair out. “You know Lindsay has been around when you see these long red hairs everywhere.”

I’m not McGruff the Crime Dog, but you really don’t have to be to tell there might be some differences in the banner picture taken last week and Lindsay’s spread in next month’s Elle. There’s some trickery here I tell, ya! Trickery!

megan fox is stuck up…

I don’t have a homemade Bobba Fett costume, so I didn’t attend Comic Con this year, but Megan Fox did. And Megan Fox in a room full of guys who jack off to anime can’t be good. News.com.au reports:

This year, Johansson was the headliner, promoting Iron Man 2, but it was an appearance by Megan Fox which had the geeks talking after one fan approached the star during a Q&A to promote her new supernatural western Jonah Hex. “My question is for Megan,” the man said. “I have a Sony HVR (video camera). It’s not a true HD, but it gives a pretty good image. Anyway, my question is: I just graduated film school and I’m trying to help my career. I was wondering if you’d be interested in some kind of, like, celebrity sex tape?” With that, a couple of security guards grabbed the fella and took him to an undisclosed location. “Dude, I can’t wait to see what you look like in 30 minutes,” Fox’s co-star, Josh Brolin, quipped as the man was dragged away.

Maybe it was because she was surrounded by dudes with phaser gun keychains and their names written in their underwear or whatever, but she wasn’t like this when we made our sex tape. Of course she was a little timid at first because I had to use a shoehorn to get my penis in her ass, but after a few minutes she started to relax. Her lawyer claims that’s when the alleged ether kicked in. But what does he know of love?

kim kardashian is single…

If you’re a rapper or a marginal NFL player, congrats dude, today is your lucky day! Star Magazine reports:

Kim Kardashian made no secret of her intention to wed her NFL star beau of two years Reggie Bush. But it wasn’t to be. “Kim and Reggie split up today,” her rep Jill Fritzo tells Star. “There was no cheating involved.” Sources tell star the Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ star and the New Orleans Saints running back couldn’t find time for romance due to their busy schedules.

Don’t get excited white dudes. I don’t know if you knew this our not, but Kourtney is the only Kardashian that doesn’t like black guys. Kim and Kong have gotten off more black dudes than Abraham Lincoln, so sorry about your luck, man. If you’re white, and you somehow find your penis in Kim’s mouth, you might want to cover your ears. Because it will be obvious at that point that The Jigsaw Killer is about to give her instructions.

alessandra ambrosio is hot…

It goes without saying that Victoria’s Secret model, Alessandra Ambrosio is one of the hottest women on Earth. It also goes without saying that my bowties make me look like a gentleman. My granny says I’m such a catch!

megan fox just cuz…

I really have no idea why it took me so long to post these, because this is basically a Megan Fox fan site and I post every Megan Fox picture no matter how annoying or asinine, but for the record, you’d need a treasure map to get my dick out of her ass. I’d be so deep I could restart the rotation of the Earth’s core.

audrina is in a commercial…

I realize her face looks like something Starfleet would fight, but if I wanted somebody to buy a hamburger, I guess I could do a lot worse than Audrina Patridge. She’s a skinny brunette with big tits. And just so we’re clear, that’s my penis’ answer for everything.

katy perry dresses like a giant baby…

Holy shit, Katy. My friend’s preschooler probably wouldn’t wear this for fear of looking like a baby. Based on your songs, you are a major attention whore. So you should know that the boys want tits and ass, not toddlers. Men with diaper fetishes are not the majority. Schoolgirl costumes are ok. Onesies are not. Step away from the Gymboree.

megan fox is a prostitute…

At this point, other than trying to get her half naked on their cover, I’m not sure why magazines want to interview Megan Fox. Because, well, chances are good that she wont make it five minutes without saying something really stupid. Congrats, British GQ! Showbiz Spy reports:

“When you think about it, we actors are kind of prostitutes,” Fox tells the July issue of British GQ. “We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who’s not their partner. It’s really kind of gross. “I have this sort of promiscuous image. People assume I’m really overtly sexually aggressive and that I’m this wild child. And I’m not like that at all. “I would rather have an image that is wild and promiscuous than to go out of my way to be proper all the time.“There are some guys who think I’m going to be this little cupcake who’s going to bat my eyes and be like a receptacle for them. I shut them down immediately.”

Ugh. Megan, I love you, I do, but baby, pretty please, shut the hell up. You want to know why people think you’re “overtly sexually aggressive”? Let’s see, hmm, maybe its the Esquire interview? Or how about the other GQ article? No wait, maybe it was every other article or interview. Look, you can’t throw me an idea then say I have the wrong idea. Magazines aren’t claiming you’re Andrei Chikatilo or Jack The Ripper, you’re saying this stuff. I think you just need to take a long look in the mirror and think about what image you want to portray. Now turn around. Then squeeze your nipples for me. Oooh yeah, baby. You like that?