everyone hates gwyneth paltrow…

Brace yourself for the shock of a lifetime, but new reports are claiming Gwyneth Paltrow is a stuck up pain in the ass. Oh I know right! Fox News says…

A source says some of the “Iron Man” team had secret hopes of her character being recast, or even killed in the movie, but are resigned to the likelihood that she is locked in as the character Pepper Potts.
Gwyneth did nothing to make friends with fellow superhero Scarlett Johansson.
“Gwyneth is not friendly to anyone, and tends to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. She wasn’t outright rude to Scarlett, she just didn’t ever speak to her. Gwyneth went out of her way to avoid Scarlett, and they had zero contact, at Gwyneth’s choosing.”
“Much of the crew didn’t mind hanging out with her husband, Chris, but if Gwyneth ever came around, they scattered! Chris is so chill and relaxed and she is just the opposite. Chris has been a crew favorite since the filming of the first movie.”

Paltrow is just jealous. Scarlett is better, hotter, younger, and in this movie that they’re both in, Gwyneth is a frumpy secretary, and Scarlett is a sexy super villain. Gwyneths only super power is the ability to make everyone wanna punch her in her stupid face.

bar refaeli is candid…

As far as bodies go, Bar Refaeli and Marisa Miller are as close to physical perfection as you’re ever gonna see, so of course I was was gonna post this candid pic of Bar at her 2010 SI Swimsuit photoshoot. Sorry if that bothers you. Maybe instead of reading this you can go dress up your dolls or go look for some more needle point patterns you little fairy.

look tits…

These pictures were labeled “UK TV Star Michelle Keegan In a Bikini”, but I have no idea what a “UK TV star” or a “Michelle Keegan” is, so I’ll just take their word for it. All I know is that she’s a skinny brunette with big tits who doesn’t have to stand on the surface of the sun to get a tan. She might as well be Mary Poppins because that’s probably the most magical thing you’d see on that beach all day.

katherine heigl complains about everything…

Katherine Heigl is a grating, annoying bitch who holds a press conference every time she experiences the slightest inconvenience, so of course she is going to complain about her new movie. Yes, already. Splash News reports:

Katherine Heigl found that having to fake an orgasm for her role in The Ugly Truth was really exhausting. In one particular scene, Katherine’s character has a When Harry Met Sally moment when her character has an orgasm after mistakenly wearing a pair of vibrating pants to dinner and the control ends up in the wrong hands. “Oh, my God, it was a nightmare. It was really exhausting – legs dancing under the table and all the tensing-up of the body. By the end of the day, I felt like I’d run a marathon. No one wants to orgasm 35 times a day.”

Jesus, can anything please this cunt? “No one wants to orgasm 35 times a day”? I mean, I got shit to do too, but I’m sure I could find the time to squeeze into a vagina 35 times a day. I get an hour for lunch, so that leaves me like what, 25 minutes to update Facebook? I’m not really seeing a problem with that.

paulina rubio is kinda hot…

Paulina Rubio is back in Ibiza, Spain this week, and she must love it there because she was there this time last year too. I think she’s still a huge star in Latin America, but that’s really just a guess. I ran a search on her to find out for sure but it turns out she doesn’t exist. Possibly because I spelled her name “Rubino”. I was going to look her up with the correct spelling after that, but it was getting pretty late. I can’t be sitting her all day investigating whether or not certain Latin people exist, you know.

angelina is frisky…

While walking the red carpet Monday night for the Hollywood premier of “Inglorious Basterds”, Angelina Jolie talked a little about how much she loves gettin it on, and how she and Brad Pitt seek out new and different places to stick it to her. The Sun UK says…

ANGELINA JOLIE and BRAD PITT have opened up about their sex life again – saying they get intimate in LOTS of different places.
Last week Brad revealed that a secret grotto behind the waterfall in their pool was “a great place for sex”.
But Angie revealed that it was just one of many.
“We’ve got a few special places, you know? You keep it going.”
Brad laughingly added: “”There is an old Hollywood property just a few minutes away. It has a grotto there. The rumour is Jimi Hendrix spent some time there.”

I have no idea what the hell they’re talking about, but whatever. Whenever and wherever she wants to have sex would be fine with me. A waterfall, a grotto or a cage filled with lions – the answer is “yes”. Crime scene? Hospital? Morgue? Yes. Yes. Yes. She could just gesture to a graveyard as we drove by and I would dig up the recently dead and use them to prop up her ass if that’s what she wanted. Who cares, just as long as I get to hump her.

oh, hey there sexy…

Despite having millions of dollars and a Spartan army of stylists at her disposal, Britney Spears has absolutely no idea how to dress herself. With her floppy ass tits and rat’s nest weave, I guess she really has no other choice. I mean, what is else is she gonna wear? Couture probably isn’t the best thing to wear when you’re in line at the drive-thru to get a fourthmeal or buying makeup at Wal-Mart.

kelly clarkson “looking her personal best”

Everybody in the damn world knows that alien technology was used to make that picture of Kelly Clarkson on the cover of the September 2009 issue of Self, but Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of the women’s health magazine, is defending her choice of using CGI. People reports:

“Yes. Of course we do retouching,” Danziger writes in a post on Self.com. “Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best.” Calling Clarkson “the picture of confidence,” Danzinger writes, “I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.”

Look, if you’re gonna devote a whole article to someone you want to portray as a victimized “normal woman”, it might be a good idea not to take her down 20 pants sizes for your cover. It just sends mixed signals to everyone involved. Just be honest. And by “honest”, I mean you should have tied one of those turkey legs you get at the fair and took a picture of her chasing it. Because, really, who are we kidding? She totally would have.

gaga’s got balls…for real…

I would rather investigate gunfire from my childs bedroom than whether or not Lady GaGa has a penis, especially since this quote is at least a year old. But for whatever reason it’s been rediscovered and is everywhere today, so this is what she allegedly once said.

“It’s not something that I’m ashamed of, just isn’t something that I go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but I consider myself a female. It’s just a little bit of a penis and really doesn’t interfere much with my life. The reason I haven’t talked about it is that it’s not a big deal to me. Like come on, it’s not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I’m sexy, I’m hot. I have both a poon and a peener. Big fucking deal.”

I don’t know where this notion came from that I have some roster of noteworthy hermaphrodites, but I have no idea if she has a penis or not. The gif is from this video and everyone says you can see it there. People on her message board have talked about it, but finding a reputable source is tough. Especially since I barely even tried.

Lots of websites have posted it but sometimes the internet lies. Like once someone broke into my house and I was very frightened so I signed up for BigTitPatrol.com. The website claims they’re “enforcing the law with big natural tits”, but if you read the fine print you’ll discover these girls have no actual legal authority. This despite countless pictures that clearly show them sexily arresting people. The whole thing is very deceptive.

settle down, grandma…

In what might have been the greatest news of 1991, Sharon Stone has posed topless on the cover of the French magazine, Paris Match. Whatever. They might as well have had Wall * E or Frankenstein on the cover, because this picture was obviously made in a lab.

(Enjoy the banner pic of NSFW granny porn, you know, if you’re into that sort of thing. Pervert.)

To those complaining in their heads, you’re right. Her candids are super sexy. My apologies.